Lesson Number One
by ZooperDooper
Summary: It was quite funny really. The stoic and mysterious Kuchiki Byakuya getting love lessons from the Ice Prince, Hitsugaya Toshiro. But then again, the universe always did love to screw him over. Lesson number one...


**I warn you, characters WILL be OOC. But besides that please read and review but most of all, ENJOY!**

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Kuchiki Byakuya is very attractive. No, scratch that, he is downright gorgeous, no wait, let's start again. Kuchiki Byakuya is sexy and he knows it. He could have any girl he wants and he doesn't even need to try. All he really needs to do is look at one for longer than 7 seconds and that alone will be enough to make the poor girl start ripping off her clothes screaming 'just take me now!'

But thankfully the female population is safe, because Byakuya has never done anything like that. He has a certain thing he likes to call pride. Ever since the death of his beloved wife Byakuya has been stuck in something you might call depression. He has never looked at a woman and felt that familiar stir of something in his stomach ever since Hisana died. Until now.

This girl was no ordinary girl. This girl was very beautiful, but you have to be if you want to catch Byakuya's eye, but even though she was gorgeous, she was probably gay. Why you ask? Well, this girl was immune to Byakuya's charms. Although to be honest Byakuya never did have skill when it came to being charming. The only thing he really had going for him was probably being one of the sexiest men in Soul Society. And that is where is this story begins.

Byakuya knew that if he wanted to successfully 'woo' this girl he would need to brush up on his charm skills. And there was only one man who could help him do it.

Hitsugaya Toushiro was a well-known ladies man. Ever since he grew up and became a sexy beast women have been falling head over heels for him. It may come as a shock, that our little Shiro-chan was, put lightly, a player.

It is a very long story as to how he became the way he is. Let's just say it involves a couple too many hits to the head, a certain busty vice-captain and a watermelon. But eventually all the attention went to his head and he had a new girl every week.

Byakuya never thought he would reduce himself as low as to ask that certain man for help, my how the mighty have fallen.

Byakuya walked through the halls of the 10th division, very mindful of the lustful gazes he was getting from most of the female body. Despite his reputation as a player, Hitsugaya still managed to keep his division in top shape. A rather impressive feat. Byakuya politely knocked on Hitsugaya's office door.

"Enter." An impassive voice called out. Byakuya slid open the door and stepped inside the room. It was just like any other captains office, tidy, organised and professional. Byakuya noticed a sleeping vice-captain on the couch, hair splayed all over the pillow and not-so-soft snores emitting from her mouth, he looked away quickly.

"Kuchiki-taicho, how can I help you?" Captain Hitsugaya asked, barely glancing up from the mountain of paperwork on his desk. Deciding that he didn't want to waste any time here, Byakuya got straight to the point.

"Hitsugaya-taicho, I require your assistance in a rather personal issue. Do you mind if we go somewhere…private." Byakuya asked looking pointedly at Matsumoto.

"Oh don't worry about her. She's practically dead to the world." Hitsugaya assured. Proving his point, Hitsugaya picked up a basketball and pelted it at the woman's head. Byakuya watched in slight awe as the basketball hit her smack in the middle of the forehead, bounce off, break an expensive looking vase with an almighty smash then roll away, Matsumoto didn't even flinch.

There was a moment silence.

"You do that often don't you?"

"Never gets old."

Byakuya, now fully convinced that they wouldn't be disturbed, told Hitsugaya his story and about the woman he had grown to care for very deeply. Hitsugaya listened intently to his story, not once interrupting.

"So let me get this straight. You want me to teach you how to charm women because you fell in love with one but you're scared to talk to her in case you blow it and scare her away, so you're basically reduced to stalking the poor girl instead of growing a pair and just having a decent conversation with her?" Hitsugaya summarized.

"I'm not in love with her." Byakuya scoffed. Hitsugaya raised an eyebrow.

"Really? That's all you took out of what I just said?"

Byakuya just shrugged.

"Fine then. I will help you. Let's go." Hitsugaya sighed and stood up.

"Wait, now?" Byakuya asked confused.

"I've got nothing better to do." He shrugged.

"You got a meter high pile of paperwork on your desk." Byakuya deadpanned.

"I'll just wake Matsumoto up and make her do it." Hitsugaya said like it was painfully obvious.

"You just threw a basketball at her head and she didn't even bat an eyelid. How are you possibly going to wake her up?" Byakuya asked incredulously.

"There is only one way to wake Matsumoto up. I warn you, it's not pretty." Hitsugaya said and walked over to the couch, leaning down until his lips were right next to her ear, Hitsugaya screamed:

"MATSUMOTO!"

Byakuya expected the woman to jump up screaming and maybe even draw her zanpakuto. Instead of doing that like any normal person, Matsumoto merely stretched her arms above her head and rubbed her eyes, blinking up at her captain like she had just been gently woken up by a soft voice and gentle shaking, not an ear-splitting, vocal cord shattering scream like the one he just heard.

"Taichoooo—"

"Matsumoto, I'm heading out. You are in charge until I return. Behave, and by that I mean no office parties, sake parties, birthday parties or any kind of party. Do not use the paperwork as a sailor hat or a paper plane, close the window and lock the door and for the love of god DO NOT let a drunken Abarai inside or so help me I will wear your intestines as a scarf, do you understand?" Hitsugaya threatened. Matsumoto looked stricken but eventually nodded.

"Good." He said and joined Byakuya outside the office.

"It must be very difficult for her to arrive to work on time." Byakuya stated.

"Not anymore. A few years ago I recorded myself yelling at her and set it as her alarm. She has never been late for work since."

"That is…impressive."

Hitsugaya shrugged and turned towards his vice-captain.

"And do the paperwork while I'm gone." Hitsugaya ordered before he slid the door shut. The agonised wailing could be heard all the way outside.

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"First thing you need to know is that women are unpredictable. One minute she could be all over you and the next she's stabbing you in the kidney. Always be prepared for what they throw at you." Byakuya nodded at Hitsugaya's ominous advice.

"Now, let's teach you how to pick up women."

**Lesson number 1: Always make them feel special.**

"Women love to feel like they are different from the rest of their gender, not in the bad way, but in a way where you picked them out of the crowd and nobody else holds a candle to their exotic beauty or something like that. Chicks dig that shit."

"Did you just go all ghetto just then?"

"Err, no."

**Lesson number 2: Never use a cheesy pick up line.**

"Unless you want your manhood to be ripped, shattered, beaten, torn and stomped on, never EVER use a pick up line."

**Lesson number 3: Never talk too much about yourself; always keep the focus on them.**

"Most women aren't so shallow that they want to talk about themselves all the time, but if you genuinely want to know about them then they will have no trouble talking about themselves if they think you're interested. But talk about yourself a little bit as well, otherwise they will think you're some gang rapist who is wanted by both the police and some big-wig evil mafia. You don't want that."

**Lesson number 4: Do not act like you will have them no matter what.**

"Remember that women hate arrogance in men. If you act like you will come out victorious they will think you're a dick and not worth the time. For example, you see this girl coming up right now? Well I'm going to demonstrate what happens if you do this. Watch closely."

"You and me, babe. How about it?"

"MY BODY IS YOURS!"

"Hitsugaya-taicho?"

"Yes, Kuchiki-taicho?"

"That didn't go as planned did it?"

"No it didn't. I must've done my bad boy smirk instead of my 'I'm a dick' smirk."

"Umm, what?"

"Never mind. Moving on."

**Lesson number five: Never treat them like objects.**

"That is pretty self-explanatory."

**Lesson number six: Compliment them.**

"Every single woman in the world has something extraordinarily beautiful about them. Whether it's their eyes or feet, there is always something. If you find that her eyes bluer than the Caspian Sea, then tell her. But don't tell her that her hair looks amazing when it looks like shit. You want to avoid lying."

**Lesson number seven: Never imply that their mother is a llama.**

"You would think that I wouldn't have to say that but you'd be surprised."

**Lesson number eight: Casual touching is good.**

"Flick her hair out of her eyes, brush against her hand or a lingering hand on her waist is a good idea. But don't get too forward, she might slap you."

**Lesson number nine: Make her laugh.**

"Laughing means she's having a very good time and enjoying your company. You want to make her laugh as much as possible and always try to laugh along with her."

**Lesson number ten: Always be yourself.**

"I know it might sound corny but you should always be yourself around her. You don't want her feeling like she's going home with a complete stranger. If you're not being yourself you will find that it's very hard to enjoy yourself, remember that if you're having a good time then she's having a good time."

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"Now, that's all I have left to teach, my student." Hitsugaya said as they arrived at the sixth squad barracks. Byakuya frowned.

"Would you stop calling me that."

"Before we part ways, _my student,_ I have to ask the name of the lady you intend to score with." Hitsugaya's eyes lit up like a kids on Christmas morning. Byakuya sighed and leaned forward, whispering something in the white haired male's ear. Hitsugaya's eyes widened and he looked at the older captain in awe.

"Well, good luck with that." He said.

"I suppose I should thank you…." Byakuya trailed off.

"No need. I wish you luck with your sexual endeavours!" Hitsugaya yelled as he shunpoed away, leaving an embarrassed Byakuya behind with his amused squad members.

"Get back to work!"

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**Like I said, characters are waay OOC, but I think it works strangely enough.**

**Please please review and tell me what you think.**

**As for Byakuya's love interest, well who do you think it is? I'll leave it up to your imagination.**

**Until next time,**

**ZooperDooper.**


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